


I Don't Know How to Say This ('Cause You're Really My Dearest Friend)

by evol_love



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: (nothing too bad but Evan is working through some Stuff), Canon Compliant, Happy Ending, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Michael Lee Brown!Evan, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Pining, Post-Canon, University, there's always gotta be pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-20
Updated: 2017-09-20
Packaged: 2019-01-01 00:08:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12144186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evol_love/pseuds/evol_love
Summary: “So, I saw Jared earlier. And he was kissing this boy. And I didn’t think I had a problem with stuff like that, I’ve never had a problem with it, but then I saw them and I felt like I was going to throw up and I had to run away and now I’m here, calling you.”Or: Evan and Jared become friends again in college, after everything that went down senior year. But just as things are finally going well, Evan learns that Jared's gay and interprets the horrible feeling he has seeing Jared with someone else as homophobia.(Spoiler alert: it isn't.)





	I Don't Know How to Say This ('Cause You're Really My Dearest Friend)

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is a lot happier than the summary and tags might have you believe, I promise. These dumb boys have a tendency to get stuck in their heads is all. 
> 
> Many of you probably recognize the general prompt here: yes, this is another "I panicked and thought I was homophobic when my roommate/friend/etc. came out, until I realized I didn't have a problem with it if I was the one they were kissing" story. Evan still think he's straight at the beginning of this story, and deals with a little bit of internalized biphobia/homophobia as he tries to process things. It's truly not enough to even have a warning on it, but I figured i'd mention it nevertheless. 
> 
> Words fail to express how much I love and owe Anna (phonecallfromgod) and Alix (euphrasiefauchelevent) for adoring this musical and these characters as much I do. Our conversations and groupchats are the reason this fic is here.

It makes absolutely no sense that Evan and Jared are best friends. It makes a little sense that they were friends as kids, because their parents were friends, but in college? Evan and Jared had gone through approximately four Fights, and one of those was a Catastrophic-Friendship-Ending Fight, and yet here they were, sitting in Jared’s apartment and eating cheese bread from the greasy pizza joint beloved by the students on campus. 

It’s a little weird. Evan will be the first to admit that. But he and Jared had made up over a year ago now, and once Evan had transferred his community college credits over to the same university Jared was attending, they’d begun hanging out again. They might even be hanging out more than they used to. And it was nice, because their year apart had allowed them both to make their own friends. Evan _loved_ Jared’s college friends. They were funny and laid back and not afraid of checking in with one another and asking, “you okay man?” whenever Evan looked particularly anxious. He’d been worried at first that he was encroaching on Jared’s space or that Jared had grown out of him and found people that were cooler and better. When he’d first gone over to Jared’s and met them all, he’d been beside himself with worry. But when Jared had introduced him, one of them had crowed, “ _Oh,_ this is _Evan?”_ and another had beamed, “We’ve heard so much about you!” And somewhere between Jared spluttering for them to shut _up_ and Evan refusing a beer for the third time, they’d all settled into one another. 

“Pass the marinara,” Jared tells Evan, nudging Evan’s knee with his foot. He’s lying on his sofa, Evan in the armchair beside him. The chair is falling apart, stuffing poking out in about seven different places. It was a family hand-me-down about four tenants ago, but Jared and his roommates can’t be bothered to haul the thing downstairs and throw it out. Besides. It’s a perfectly functional chair. When he thinks about how many people have sat here before him, the chair kind of stresses Evan out, but it’s so comfy that he doesn’t really care. 

He slides the plastic tub of tomato sauce across the coffee table to Jared, who grabs it gratefully, tearing off another bit of cheesy bread. 

“What are you up to tonight?” he asks. He never did get around to learning not to talk with his mouth full. 

Evan shrugs. “I don’t know, I don’t really have any plans. Do you want, would you uh, do you want to watch a movie or something?”

Jared coughs and goes silent. Strangely silent. Especially for Jared. 

“I, uh. I can’t.”

“Oh, well, that’s all right, we can do it another night.”

“Yeah.”

What on earth...

“Everything okay?”

Jared nods quickly. 

“Oh yeah, yeah, no, I’m all good.”

He’s nervous. That’s what it is. Jared is _nervous._

“What are you doing tonight?” he tries. 

“Oh, you know.” Evan does not know. Jared won’t meet his eyes anymore. “Just going out with someone.”

“Going out with...Jared, are you going on a date?”

Jared laughs, but it isn’t his “Oh, _Evan,”_ laugh nor is it a genuine laugh, it’s something Evan can’t recognize, and that he doesn’t think he likes. 

“Uh. Kind of?”

“How can you ‘kind of’ go on a date?”

“All right, all right, I’m going on a date, oh my god, relax!”

“I barely said anything. Jared, are you-”

“What?!”

Evan can’t figure out why Jared’s so defensive, so jumpy. 

“Is it, like, are you going on, uhm, a blind date or something? Is that the problem?”

“No, no, nothing like that, jesus, I haven’t turned into my mom’s Hallmark movies _yet._ Give me a little credit.” He’s joking, but it’s not _quite_ the Jared Evan’s known all these years. Also, Jared _loves_ those movies no matter how much he denies it. 

“Well, who is it?” That _has_ to be it. There’s no other reason for Jared’s behavior. 

“No one you’d know. Just, uh, just, uh, just some guy from one of my classes. You wouldn’t know him.”

Jared still won’t meet his eyes. 

Evan backtracks. Wait. 

“Wait.”

“If you’re going to be shitty please just get it over with,” Jared huffs, and Evan can tell he’s trying to sound scary, but mostly he just sounds scared. Oh. Wait. _This_ is what Jared was nervous about. 

“I don’t care if you, if you like, if you’re...I don’t-I don’t mind if you’re, uh. You know.”

Jared laughs once. It’s awful. “You can _say_ it. It’s fine. You’re not going to shock me.”

Evan swallows. “If you’re worried that I’m going to be a jerk about you, uh, about you being, you know, gay? I’m not going to be.”

The tension Jared had been carrying in his jaw and his shoulders dissipates. 

“Okay.”

“I’m not - I really don’t care if, I mean, it’s none of my business what you, uh, who you-”

“Evan,” Jared cuts him off, thank god. He looks at Evan finally. There’s something vulnerable in his eyes that Evan’s only seen a handful of times, ever, in their nearly 20 years of friendship. “Thank you.”

“No reason to thank me,” Evan mumbles, because there’s not. Evan being not-homophobic is like, basic human decency. Evan doesn’t care if people are gay. Alana had come out as a lesbian last year and Evan had been really proud of her. She was so much happier once she felt like she could be herself, why on earth would Evan try and take that away from someone? Especially from his best friend? “Do I get to meet him?”

Jared actually laughs at that, the real, genuine thing. It puts Evan at ease at last, allows him to release the breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. “Slow your roll, Evan, it’s only our first date. I’m hardly ready to introduce him to the in-laws.” Evan’s not quite sure why he doesn’t like that. He guesses it’s because he knows all of Jared’s friends, and Jared going out with someone Evan doesn’t know is just different. 

“Well, okay. Is he picking you up here? Do you need me to leave?” Jared shakes his head.

“I’m meeting him there, we’re just going to that concert downtown.”

“Oh.” Evan doesn’t really care for concerts. Not the sprawling, outdoor type, anyway. 

Jared gives him a funny look but doesn’t say anything about it. 

“I’m leaving in like half an hour, so you don’t need to head out right this second or anything.” Even as he says it, Jared gets up, bringing their pizza boxes with him to throw out in the kitchen. He’s antsy to get going, Evan can tell without even asking. 

“That’s okay. I’ll let you get ready for your, uh, for the date.” He gets up and grabs his bag. “Tell me how it goes later, okay?”

Jared smiles, honest. “I will.”

“Okay.” Evan kind of...really doesn’t want to leave. He knows that he wouldn’t be any help to Jared getting ready - Evan never even knows what the right thing to wear to class is, much less on a first date - but he isn’t quite ready for good night. 

“Good night!” 

Evan needs to leave. 

He spends the whole walk home feeling off. He doesn’t _think_ it’s concern for Jared’s safety, he isn’t really jumping to worst-case scenarios like he sometimes does. And it’s not that he doesn’t like or doesn’t trust the guy, Evan doesn’t even know him. 

Okay. Evan doesn’t really like concerts, but maybe he should just see what all the fuss is about. 

It’s a quick turn-and-burn from his dorm to downtown (Evan had gotten university housing for almost nothing, thanks to financial aid, but unfortunately university housing for almost nothing effectively translates to tiny concrete room with odd roommate). Evan had looked up the location on Google Maps three times to make sure he knew where he was going, and used his phone to take photos of the directions on his laptop screen for good measure, but he still felt nervous as he made the 15-minute trek. He keeps glancing over his shoulder, craning his neck and scanning the streets involuntarily, wondering if he’ll run into Jared. Wondering if he’ll run into Jared and his date. Wondering if he wants to. 

He finds the place with ease, in the end, because there’s a huge crowd already gathered on the blocked off street. Oh. Right. Evan hates situations like this. It’s a throng of people, many in varying states of intoxication, all pushing one another and trying to slip past each other to meet their friends or establish their viewing spot. There are a few rows of chairs right up front near the pop-up stage, but otherwise, it’s a packed standing-room-only affair. Evan doesn’t even know who’s playing. He doesn’t even know what type of music it is. Does Jared know? Is it a band Jared really wanted to see, or did he just agree to go because he wanted to go out with this guy? Jared’s never been particularly vocal about the music he listens to. Evan couldn’t name any of his favorite bands if asked. He wonders if that makes him a bad friend. 

As it turns out, the band isn’t bad. They’re neither the heavy metal nor painfully experimental group Evan had half feared he’d be faced with. The music is mellow, not quite folk but on its way there. Evan could enjoy this. 

He could, except then he spots Jared and his heart plummets. 

He tries to size the guy up objectively. He’s taller than Jared, not that that’s an especially hard feat, and he has a nice smile. It looks like he’s in the middle of telling Jared a story, and Jared is laughing. Jared looks happy. 

Jared looks happy and Evan? Isn’t. 

As he tries to sort through why on earth his friend having a good time bothers him so much, the world seems to narrow and focus right in on the two of them, and without any warning, Evan watches the guy whisper something in Jared’s ear, watches Jared nod, looking a bit surprised, watches-

Watches the guy kiss Jared. 

Evan’s down the street before he even processes himself turning around. He doesn’t know what he’s feeling, he doesn’t know why he’s feeling it, he just knows he wants to get _out_ of this claustrophobic place, see and hear anything but what he was just experiencing. He’s not sure where he’s walking or what his plan is until he’s sitting on his bed and has dialled Zoe’s number. 

She picks up on the third ring. 

“Hey, Evan, what’s up? Everything okay?”

“I think I’m homophobic,” Evan blurts out. Until he said it he didn’t realize he was thinking it, but hearing it aloud makes so much sense and oh god, oh god, Evan is a _horrible_ friend and a _horrible_ person and Jared’s never going to forgive him. Jared _shouldn’t_ forgive him. 

“Uh?”

“I just, I just, I just, I don’t know, I, I, I,” he can’t make the words go no matter how hard he tries. He’s like a stalled car, desperate to rush forward and unable to make it past the starting block. He’s stammering and unable to make his tongue keep up with his brain, which never happens. Evan may race through his words, but he’s never particularly been one to stutter. 

“Breathe, Evan, hey. It’s okay. Take a deep breath. Just close your eyes and listen to me, okay?”

“Okay,” Evan says softly, closing his eyes like she’d asked him to.

“Good, okay. Are you sitting down right now?”

“No.”

“Okay. Go ahead and sit down. I don’t want you to fall over or anything.” Evan sits on the edge of his bed. “Just breathe.”

After what feels like an eternity of hearing nothing but his own rattly breathing, Zoe speaks again, still in the same soft voice. 

“Do you want to talk about it? I don’t have anything going on tonight, I’m here if you want me to be.”

“Yes please,” Evan manages to squeak out. “Just, just give me a minute? I can’t make the words...happen.”

“Sure, that’s fine.”

They sit in silence. Gosh, Evan misses Zoe. Things had been weird between them for awhile, really _really_ weird, but after they’d mended things a bit, they’d started talking more regularly again. Zoe’s calls are often the highlight of Evan’s week, with her gushing about the new pieces she’s learning in her weird college music class and the bizarre concoctions her friends had whipped up in the dining hall. It’s nice. They’d gotten so close Evan’s senior year that losing her so completely and so suddenly felt like a punch to the gut. He’d gotten over his feelings for her not too long after their disastrous break up, though, and it was for the best. They work better as friends. 

“So,” Evan says at last. “So uh, so Jared told me he’s gay today because he went on a date with this guy, this guy I’ve never even met, I guess he’s in one of Jared’s classes, and like he was obviously really worried about telling me which sucks because I’m his friend and I want him to trust me with things like this, except I guess he was right to be worried because I went out later and I saw them and they, they were _kissing_ and I just. I ran away. I ran away like a coward because seeing them kissing made me feel sick and I couldn’t deal with it and I’m a horrible friend and Jared’s going to find out or I’m going to blurt out the total wrong thing and he’ll know and I’ll have ruined _everything_ , and-”

“Evan, slow down. I can barely understand you.” Her tone isn’t unkind, but Evan still feels bad. She’s doing him a favor by listening to him confess what an awful person he is, the least he can do is make things easier for her. He takes another deep breath. 

“How much did you hear?” he asks. He wonders if his voice actually sounds as small as it does when it hits his ears. “I don’t know if I can make myself say it all again.”

“Something about Jared and feeling sick?”

“So, I saw Jared earlier. And he was kissing this boy. And I didn’t think I had a problem with stuff like that, I’ve never had a problem with it, but then I saw them and I felt like I was going to throw up and I had to run away and now I’m here, calling you.” It’s concise; he’s sure Zoe will get the gist. “Please - I know that sounds bad, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be making you listen to me talking about being an awful person.”

“Evan...” Zoe sounds tentative. “First of all, you’re not an awful person, so stop saying that.”

“But...Zoe, if I’m being homophobic-”

“I _don’t_ think you’re homophobic, if that helps.”

Hmm.

“But if I can’t handle my best friend being out on a date just because it’s a guy...”

“ _Is it_ just because he’s a guy?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, think about it.”

“That’s the whole problem. I don’t want to - I _can’t_ think about it.”

Zoe sighs. Evan always makes things difficult for the people that are trying to help him. 

“Okay, let me try something else.” She says this and then goes quiet. Evan pulls his phone away from his ear to make sure the call hadn’t dropped off, or, god, that she hadn’t hung up on him. He wouldn’t be too surprised if she had hung up on him. It’s not a very Zoe thing to do, but he’s pretty sure he deserves it. 

“Hello?” he tries. 

“Sorry, yeah, I’m here.” She sounds slightly choked up, like she’s steeling herself for something. 

“Is everything okay?”

“Yeah. It’s actually...yeah. Things are really good.” He hears her take a deep breath. “I, uh, I’ve been seeing this girl for a few weeks, and I really like her.”

Oh!

“Zoe, that’s great,” he tells her sincerely. 

“Thanks.” He can _hear_ her smile. “See?”

“See what?”

“Evan. I just told you about my girlfriend and you were happy for me.”

Evan pauses; she’s right. He’d been maybe slightly surprised, but all he feels is happiness for her, though there’s also a bit of incredulity in there as well, because how did Evan go all of high school without noticing all his friends were gay? Why were all of Evan’s high school friends gay? It’s not a _problem_ it just seems a bit unusual. 

“I don’t...I mean, I didn’t really feel awful until I actually _saw_ Jared out with that guy, so maybe I’m just like, not homophobic in theory but in practice?” Evan feels completely unexpected tears prick his eyes. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t even be saying this, this is terrible, especially since you just came out to me, shit.”

“It’s okay. Like I said, I think there’s maybe some stuff going on here you’re not picking up on.”

“Huh?”

“Alana told me you sent her a three-page email after she came out telling her how proud of her you were and how happy it made you to see her happy. She said it was one of the nicest things anyone had ever done for her.” Evan flushes. “You don’t have a problem with Alana being gay.”

“No, of course I don’t.” Zoe’s silence seems to say, “see?” but Evan ignores it. 

“I just told you I’m really happy dating a girl, and you don’t have a problem with that, do you?”

“No,” Evan agrees again, sighing. “Zoe, what’s your point?”

“I don’t think you have a problem with Jared being gay,” she tells him. “I think...Evan, do you know how I figured out I was bi?”

“Uh, I’m not sure...I don’t....how?”

“I was really good friends with this girl in jazz band with me, in tenth grade. I mean, I guess we never hung out outside of school really, except when the whole band did stuff together, but we were always talking at practice and she’d hug me after all our concerts and stuff. And then one night I had this dream that we were at practice together, but it was just us, and I kissed her. And when I woke up, I realized that I actually liked her as something beyond just a friend.” A pause. “Am I making sense?”

“Uhm, yes? I’m not really...I’m happy for you?” he tries. He can’t quite put together what Zoe’s getting at here. 

“I swear, I really am trying here,” Zoe huffs. “Okay. So. You and Jared have known each other basically your entire lives, yeah?”

“Yeah. That’s why this is so terrible, I-”

“Shhh. None of that right now, I don’t need you to wallow in how awful you think you are anymore on this phone call.” Evan’s mouth snaps shut. “Has Jared ever dated anyone before now?” 

Evan thinks. “No, not unless he didn’t tell me. He might not have told me.”

“So this is the first time you’ve been confronted with him dating someone?”

“Yes.” Evan’s getting just slightly annoyed in spite of himself. Zoe just keeps repeating things like they’re obvious and Evan’s. Not. Getting. It. 

“You said seeing him with a guy made you feel sick?”

“Yes,” Evan says miserably. “That’s the whole problem.”

“This is going to sound weird, but I want you to think about if you’d seen Jared out on a date with a girl instead.”

“Okay?”

“Okay? Think about it for a minute. How do you feel?”

Evan tries to imagine it. He thinks about the girl Jared claimed he hooked up with at camp - he’d not been totally sold then and now he’s about 95% sure he’d been lying - and about the girl that was Jared’s first kiss back in seventh grade and about any number of girls that Jared’s friends with now. 

Ah. Hmm.

“I don’t - I don’t want him to - I don’t like it.” 

“There you go.”

“There I go what? Zoe I have no idea what you’re saying.”

“Oh my god,” Zoe laughs. It isn’t unkind. “Evan, you don’t have a problem with Jared being gay, you have a problem with him dating other people.”

Evan frowns. “Was that supposed to make me feel better? That’s terrible too, what kind of friend doesn’t want their friend to be happy?”

Zoe’s voice is so soft, so careful when she responds that it hurts. “You know, that girl from jazz band? She started dating one of the guys in band with us and I hated his guts. I couldn’t even be in the same room as them when they were together.”

“Wait what are you...” The realization of what Zoe’s been trying to say not in so many words hits Evan like a truck. “Wait, what? Zoe, I’m not, I can’t, I don’t...I need to go.”

“Evan, wait-” But Evan’s already hung up, heart pounding as he stares at his cell phone in his hand, screen still lit and telling him the call had ended. 

*****

*****

*****

*****

*****

When Evan’s phone lights up almost an hour and a half later, he feels like he’s coming out of a deep sleep, some kind of fog that had imprisoned him swirling away. It comes rolling back in just a bit, though, when he sees that it’s a text from Jared. 

**hey. Hope you had a good night, sorry i ditched u**

He spends several minutes trying to respond, trying to decide if he even should. Then he realizes he’s being ridiculous and giving in to a ridiculous idea, and he hits send. 

_**It’s okay. Did you have fun?** _

Jared’s reply is immediate; Evan’s heart flutters just a little at the idea that Jared had just been waiting for Evan to text him back, that Jared really just wanted to talk to him, and oh, oh, oh this isn’t good at all. 

**it was fine.**

There’s another text a few seconds after.

**he was nice but idk. I don’t really think we’re going to go out again.**

The storm that had been brewing inside Evan since the concert (since the moment Jared mentioned his date, if he’s being honest with himself) clears up all at once. It turns out Evan _is_ a horrible friend, after all. 

_**That’s too bad**_ Evan texts him, believing no such thing. _**You’re okay?**_

**Yeah**

**_:)_ **

**What have you been up to all night?**

Uh. Having a meltdown on the phone with Zoe and then having a meltdown _and_ an identity crisis on his own. 

_**Nothing really. Just stayed in my dorm.** _

**Boooooooo. I know it’s kinda late but if you wanna come over I have beer for me and that juice you like for you**

Evan wills himself to not get too worked up over Jared remembering what kind of _juice_ Evan likes, and fails spectacularly. 

_**Sure!**_ He texts Jared, then sends a message to Zoe as he gets up to get ready to go. 

_**I’m sorry for freaking out on you earlier thank you for listening but also I don’t think I know how to be a person anymore** _

**__** _I’m sorry :( I shouldn’t have pushed. Are you okay?_

_**It’s fine. And I don’t know.** _

**_I think_ **

**_I don’t know_ **

**_I don’t think you were wrong_** Evan quickly erases that message and retypes _**Thanks for listening to me freaking out. I’ve been thinking about what you said.**_

**__** _Yeah?_

_**I’m going over to Jared’s now but I might text you later, if that’s okay? I’m just feeling. I don’t know. I feel really confused.** _

**__** _Sounds about right. Feel free to text me later :)_

He shoves his phone in his pocket, grabs his dorm key, and heads back out to Jared’s apartment. Luckily it isn’t too far from his res hall, maybe a fifteen minute walk at most, and though it had gotten dark, it’s still nice out. A good walk in fresh air is exactly the thing Evan needs to clear his head. 

Jared is already drinking when he lets Evan in, which is either a bad sign or simply Jared wanting to establish that this is a _chill_ night. 

“Hey bro. Want anything to eat? I know we ordered pizza earlier but I do have actual food in the fridge, too.”

“No, that’s okay.” Evan’s stomach chooses that moment to growl, and Jared gives him an amused look. 

“Did you get dinner?”

Evan shakes his head. He’d been curled up on the floor of his room in a combination bisexual crisis/panic attack during the dining hall serving hours. 

“I’m making you stir fry.” With that, Jared leaves Evan behind in the doorway and heads into his kitchen. Evan follows after him, protesting that no, really, Jared doesn’t have to do that. Jared shakes his head, not hearing a word of it just as Evan knew he wouldn’t. Jared does that a lot. He acts put out, he huffs and sighs, he moans and groans about how Jared has to take care of Evan because Evan won’t do it himself, but. But. He still does it. 

“Thanks,” Evan says quietly as Jared tosses the random vegetables in his fridge into the pan. Jared looks up at him and smiles, and Evan’s breath catches in his throat, and _how_ had Evan never _noticed_ this?

“It’s really not a big deal,” Jared says, popping a slice of bell pepper into his mouth as he cooks. 

“I’m sorry your date wasn’t all that great,” Evan says. When did he become such a glutton for punishment?

Jared shrugs. “It wasn’t bad or anything. We had fun. It just. I don’t know. It wasn’t quite _right._ You know?” Evan shakes his head, 

“Zoe’s the only person I’ve ever dated,” he says. 

“Oh, Zoe Murphy. Have you talked to her at all lately?” Jared’s stirring has become aggressive, and the pan spits oil at him. “Shit.” Jared jerks his arm back from the stovetop and rubs at where the oil had scalded him. 

“Are you okay?” 

“Yeah, yeah, it’s fine.” Jared scowls at the offending pan. 

“I talked to Zoe earlier, actually. While you were out?” Oh, if only Jared knew.

“Oh, yeah?” Jared raises his eyebrows, indicating he’s listening but also paying attention to not burning himself again. “What’s Zoe Murphy up to?”

“She’s uh, she told me she’s dating this new girl at her school, seems like it’s going really well.”

Jared makes an interested sound. “I didn’t know Zoe was bi. Or gay? Or? I don’t know. It’s none of my business.”

“Bi,” Evan nods. The word feels strange coming out of his mouth. He can’t seem to make it come out right. He hears it echoing through the stuffy kitchen. 

“Well, that’s cool,” Jared says, still paying more attention to the broccoli browning on the stove than to Evan kind of freaking out. He must not have noticed the echo. 

*****

About a month after The Incident and the Subsequent Phone Call, the weather has turned crisper. It isn’t quite _cold_ yet, at least not to the midwestern students who refuse to admit to being cold in anything warmer than literal snow, but it’s chilly. Evan has traded his polos for sweaters, and Jared has started loudly telling anyone who dares to shiver near him, “just you _wait_ , this isn’t _anything_ yet, wait til it starts snowing.” Classes are picking up the pace, and everyone around Evan appears to be in a bit of a slump. One of Jared’s roommates had taken to sitting in the center of the living room with all their notes spread around them all night, so Jared had been staying shut in his room most nights, at least until Evan realized this and started making Jared go places with him. Sure, most of those places were just Evan’s dorm, but they’d gone to the library and on walks and things too. It was nice. It was really really nice and Evan was really really stressed about when this dumb crush was going to rear its head and ruin everything.

Still. It’s been nice. 

Evan’s sitting on the couch in the media room of his res hall and Jared’s trying to hook up the hdmi cord on Evan’s laptop to the tv. It’s a task proving far more difficult than it should, as the tv is mounted to the wall and is requiring Jared to pry it forward and blindly fumble behind it. 

“I can _try_ to help,” Evan offers for the umpteenth time, smiling a bit at the sight of Jared’s expression, screwed up in concentration. 

“No,” Jared says, clearly struggling. 

“All right, but don’t complain that I didn’t do anything later,” Evan laughs. He pulls out his phone and tries to subtly take a Snapchat of Jared’s plight, but he’s pretty sure Jared notices. He sends it out anyway, to Zoe and Alana and to his and Jared’s group of friends. 

“Are you _bullying_ me?” Jared asks as he emerges from the tv. “After I did all this work so you could watch _Planet Earth_ on the big screen?”

Evan rolls his eyes. “ _Thank you._ ” Satisfied, Jared joins Evan on the couch just as he receives a text from their friend, Melanie, whose apartment was the dinner spot of choice tonight. He opens it while Jared pulls his snacks out of his bag, settling in for some quality BBC entertainment. 

** OMG your snap. Please please please tell me you aren’t going to be all cute and annoying when we’re hanging out later. I’ll cry. **

**__** **_What do you mean?_ **

** I don’t want to be a third wheel!! **

Evan is. Confused. 

_**You’re our friend too it’s not third wheeling if everyone is friends?** _

**... **

**.......................**

**............................................................**

**Are you trying to tell me you and Jared /aren’t/ dating lol?**

ABORT. 

Evan drops his phone, which unfortunately catches Jared’s attention, but Evan stares straight ahead at the ocean documentary they’d picked for the afternoon and refuses to look at him, hoping Jared will just let it go. He does. 

A few minutes pass before the screen lighting up catches Evan’s eye again. 

** WAIT ARE YOU ACTUALLY NOT DATING? **

**I feel so stupid omg**

**__** **_No! Don’t feel stupid, it’s okay. I guess we’ve been hanging out more than normal?_ **

At least Evan hopes that’s it, because the idea that his feelings are that obvious makes him want to curl up in his room and never leave it again. 

Jared offers him the bag of popcorn wordlessly, not even taking his eyes off the screen, and it hits Evan suddenly how normal this feels, how used to each other they are. They’ve been practically inseparable for the past three weeks, and Evan feels so...comfortable with Jared. He feels safe. Scared, sure, but that’s his own fault. Spending time with Jared is like coming home now. 

His heart is racing, and he types one more text to Melanie, because she may be kind of a lot to handle, but she’s sweet and trustworthy and good for talking about feelings, more than anyone else in the group. 

_**But is it obvious? That I, you know**_ he hits send before he can talk himself out of it, but it must show, because Jared frowns and finally turns to look at him. 

“Are you okay? You sound like you’re hyperventilating.” 

“I’m _not_ hyperventilating,” Evan whines. Every second that ticks by without Melanie replying is a second where she could be judging him or laughing at him or _telling people_ or

** It kind of is, sorry sweetie **

**It’s okay though!**

**I don’t think he’s caught on**

**__** **_Oh_ **

** Unless you want him to catch on? **

**__****_No the last thing I need is for him to figure out I’ve got this pathetic crush on him, that I’ve had it this whole time and we’ve been hanging out so much and he’s going to figure it out and he’s going to be so mad that I didn’t tell him and he’s been spending like every day with me without knowing that I can’t even look at him without thinking about how badly I want to just like, I don’t know, cuddle with him or something? This is so pathetic and dumb I’m so sorry_** He debates not sending the text at all, but Jared asks, “Who’re you texting so much? Did you get into a text fight? You’ve been typing for like ten minutes,” and Evan is so startled he hits send. Great. 

Evan is hyper-aware of Jared sitting next to him. He can’t focus on the weird deep sea creatures on the screen because he’s too busy wondering if Jared’s hair is as soft as it looks and how easy it could be to just pull him in closer. He can feel his pulse racing in his ears, in his fingers, everywhere. 

“I,” he blurts suddenly, standing up quickly. He needs to step away for a moment. He needs to not be so near Jared, just for a minute, just til he can catch his breath again. “I’m gonna go get some water, I’ll be right back.”

“Do you want me to pause it?”

“No! No, no no no that’s fine. I’ll be right back.” He does his best to not just run out of the media room, but he probably fails. He forces himself to slow down as he walks down the hall, counting each step quietly to himself and taking a deep breath when he finally reaches the water fountain. A quick drink, another deep breath, and he heads back down the hall. He still feels a bit dizzy, but that’s kind of just become his permanent state around Jared. He enters the room just in time to see Jared grab Evan’s phone, screen lit, and start to hand it over. 

“Hey, you got a text,” Jared says carelessly, glancing at the screen. 

This is, of course, the exact moment when Evan remembers he doesn’t have text previews turned off, and that every word of whatever Melanie just sent him is right there in the open for Jared to see. 

“Wait,” he starts to say, but Jared’s expression has completely shuttered. 

“Cool,” Jared says, and he sounds. He sounds _awful._ “Cool, so I’m just gonna go.”

Evan nods. It’s his worst nightmare but he _knew_ it was coming so he can’t even be upset. He feels the tears start to build up anyway. 

“I’m sorry,” he chokes out, and Jared scoffs on his way out the door. Evan doesn’t even know what Jared had seen, but it must’ve been really bad. Of course it was really bad. He sits there for a moment, unable to process what just happened. Everything was fine. God, everything was _good._ They were hanging out like normal and Evan had to make it weird and step away and if he hadn’t then Jared would never have tried to hand Evan his phone and seen whatever Melanie had to say. 

Closing his eyes for a second to prepare himself for whatever he might be about to see, Evan reaches for his phone and views his most recent text.

** Oh honey :( Jared’s not going to think you’re pathetic for having a crush on him. If anything he’d probably just be flattered! **

He closes his eyes again. Great. So it was all out there, then. Jared knew it all and he hated Evan for it, he was so angry and betrayed that he’d left with hardly another word. And he was probably never going to come back. 

_**Thanks, but he just found out everything and I don’t think he’s ever going to talk to me again.** _

** Wait WHAT **

**__** **_He saw your last text and he just stormed out_ **

**_He looked so upset_ **

** That doesn’t make any sense **

**Do you still want to hang out? You sound like you could use a friend.**

**__** **_If you want to_ **

**_It doesn’t feel real just yet_ **

**_It might be nice to not be alone when it does_ **

** Come over to mine whenever you’re ready **

*****

Melanie is pacing. 

“I just don’t get it,” she says at last. “Who gets _angry_ finding out someone has a crush on them? Like, awkward, sure, I’d understand, but angry? You’re sure it was the text that set him off? Nothing happened before that?”

“No. He was fine when I came in the room, but then he saw it on the screen and left like a couple seconds later.”

Melanie frowns. “Do you mind if I call him?” When Evan starts to protest, she holds up a hand to indicate she’s not done. “Not about you, I won’t say anything, but like, he was supposed to hang out with us tonight, I could just call and see where he is? Maybe make sure he’s okay? You know how he gets, I don’t want him doing anything rash and stupid.”

Evan nods. God. Even now, he’s mostly just worried about Jared hurting, about whether or not Jared is okay. And he’s not, Evan knows he’s not, and it’s _his_ fault, but he’s not going to deny Jared a friend checking up on him.

The drawn out minute of silence as the phone rings feels endless. Evan hates phone calls at the absolute best of times; this is torture. 

“Hey.” Jared’s sharp tone is crystal clear to Evan even sitting a ways away. He holds his breath. This is it, then. This is going to be the night where Jared breaks Evan’s heart, and he can’t blame anyone but himself. 

“Hey!” Melanie should have gone into the acting school. “You said you were going to meet up with Evan and I tonight, everything okay?”

“Honestly you can save it, okay? It’s fine, I saw everything, I saw you and Evan chatting about my ‘ _pathetic crush’_ so I think we can all just agree to call it a day.”

The silence between the three of them is a roar in Evan’s ears. It hurts. 

Melanie glances at Evan before asking tentatively, “ _Your_ pathetic crush?”

“Why are you doing this?” Jared asks. “You’ve never been the mean friend. I’m the mean friend.”

“You’re not...Jared how much of that text did you actually read?”

A humorless snort of laughter. “Enough.”

“No, I really don’t think you read enough, actually,” Melanie says. “How much of it did you read?”

“I saw the words ‘Jared’ ‘pathetic’ and ‘crush,’ I think I can do the math.” Jared sounds more bitter than Evan’s heard him in a long time; it’s the tone he uses to say he’s mad about something when in reality he’s devastated about it. Evan knows it well. 

“I think there’s been a really bad misunderstanding here,” Melanie says at last. “Evan’s really upset too...I _really_ think you two should talk about it.”

A pause - presumably Jared weighing his options. 

“Not that I believe you but...you swear you and Evan weren’t just texting each other mocking me?”

“I would never do that, and you _know_ Evan wouldn’t.”

“You’re right.” He sounds small. “I just. Well, you know, Mel. I’ve never pretended to make any sense about Evan Hansen.”

“Come to my place,” she says, and hangs up. 

“What...” Evan is frozen. He has no idea what to make of any of that, except: “He’s not mad at me for liking him?”

Melanie looks like she’s about to cry. “Oh Evan.” She wraps him in a hug. 

*****

Evan spends the 20 minutes waiting for Jared completely on edge. He’d been nervously bouncing his leg until Melanie came over and sat next to him and gently placed a hand on his knee to stop him. 

“I love you, and I know you’re stressed, but you’ve got something in your pockets or something that won’t stop jingling every time you bounce and I’m losing my mind,” she says. It isn’t unkind. “I love you,” she repeats, just to make sure he’s clear that he isn’t being reprimanded. It still kind of feels like it. 

“Sorry,” he says softly. He’s burrowed in on Melanie’s couch. He wonders if it could swallow him whole. The idea is definitely appealing. Every second that ticks by in anticipation of seeing Jared after whatever catastrophic thing happened between them this afternoon feels like a knife, over and over again. He can never get used to it in time for the next wound. 

“It’s okay, don’t be sorry.” She stands back up. “Can I get you anything?” Evan shakes his head automatically, without even processing the words. She purses her lips. “I’m getting you a glass of water, okay?” 

“Thanks.” His mouth does, admittedly, feel very dry. 

She returns a few seconds later with the glass, sitting beside him again with her legs tucked underneath herself. 

“He really cares about you. You know that, right?” She’s looking at him but he can’t look back at her. He can’t. He’s nervous and upset and his stomach feels like a battleground the way it’s punishing Evan for his anxiety. He can feel himself blushing and he can feel his pulse throbbing and if Jared doesn’t get here soon, Evan’s probably going to collapse and die from how tense he is. He might collapse and die anyway. He’s not sure what seeing Jared now might do to him. He’s scared to find out. 

“He was so upset,” Evan says, voice barely above a whisper, cracking on the last word. Great. He’s in perfect shape to have a probably-life-ending conversation with the boy he likes, has probably liked for years without even realizing it. Even amidst everything, Evan feels that pang, that voice in his head saying _stupid_ , because how could he just _not know?_

He can’t think about that right now. There are much greater stakes right now than Evan thinking he was straight for 19 years. 

“When I first met Jared, he was doing kind of rough. I don’t think high school was really good for him, and he told me some things, but you’d know more about that than me. But then you two made up, and he was like a different person. He told us all so many stories about you. We couldn’t even walk through the park without him telling us about when you were a park ranger and trying to recall all your tree facts.” Evan flushes still more, like that’s possible. He didn’t think Jared would remember any of that, or care. “It’s not my place to get involved here, and it seems like I’ve already done more than enough here, but you have to know that he does genuinely love you and care about you, okay Evan? He’s not just going to stop being friends with you over some text or a dumb misunderstanding. And if he tries to pull any of that crap?” She raises an eyebrow. “You have to know better than that. You know how he is. Please don’t lose out here because you believed him when he pretended he didn’t think your friendship was worth fighting for.”

Evan thinks this over. 

“I, um, I’ll try.” It’s the best he can offer. She must know this, because she looks satisfied. 

“And don’t forget that you have all of us, too, okay? We’re your friends Evan. We’re here for you.” Evan’s eyes have begun to water a little bit, and he hopes she doesn’t notice, or at least won’t mention it. 

This, of course, is when the buzzer to Melanie’s apartment sounds. 

“I’ll go get him, okay?” Evan nods. He doesn’t think he’s physically capable of getting up from the couch right now anyway. Every part of his body is made from fire and a nervous thrumming. 

Jared comes into the apartment quietly, which is already a worrying sign. Jared’s grand entrances tend to be marked by shouts and plenty of pomp and circumstance, with some irony and sarcasm sprinkled on top. But now Evan hears the door open again without word from him, Melanie murmuring something too quiet for Evan to hear. She must decide they need to have this conversation alone (thank god) because she doesn’t reappear, and he hears her bedroom door close down the hall. 

And suddenly, he’s there, in the doorway in front of Evan, and Evan rushes to make himself look totally calm and as nonthreatening as possible. He can’t make up his mind whether to look at Jared or not, eyes casting about all over the place as he tries to be normal for _once._

“Hi,” he manages. 

“Hey,” Jared answers. Evan needn’t have worried about whether or not to make eye contact. Jared won’t even look at him. His heart sinks. Jared takes a deep breath, then sighs, still looking anywhere but at him. “So. I’ve been informed that I _may_ have overreacted earlier.” Silence. When Evan says nothing, he goes on. “If that’s the case, then I’m sorry for just leaving like that, without explaining or anything. In the moment it felt like you were deliberately being mean, and I just needed to get away before I said anything I couldn’t take back. Okay?”

“I wouldn’t be mean to you. Not on purpose.” 

Jared swallows. There’s a lot in those two sentences, and they both know it, reverberations of “ _a kid who killed himself”_ and “ _asshole”_ being spat back and forth playing through Evan’s head, but he thinks Jared believes him all the same. 

“I know that. I’m sorry.”

Evan truly cannot help it when he says, “You really meant it when you said you were getting better at this ‘talking thing.’”

He actually laughs at that. “I’m trying, anyway. Not that I was so hot at it this afternoon.” Ice wraps around Evan’s heart all over again as he remembers what led to this conversation. 

“You don’t need to be sorry for that,” Evan tells him quietly. “I don’t...I don’t know what exactly you saw, or thought you saw, but that was my fault and I’m sorry it upset you.” Jared frowns, and flushes, which is...Evan’s not totally sure what to make of it. Is he mad? Hurt? Embarrassed? 

“What...Mel said something on the phone about a misunderstanding, but I don’t...what did she actually text you?”

Evan’s heart stops. 

He can’t go through this over again, can’t watch Jared pull away from him, wondering if maybe this time it’s really for good. 

He can’t.

But.

He might have to. 

If there’s any chance of salvaging their friendship, Jared _has_ to know, he has to know because if he doesn’t, he’ll assume the worst of Evan. He’ll always wonder what was in those texts and it will eat away at both of them, with Evan knowing and Jared _not_ knowing and sooner or later it would all unravel. 

Jared will be much angrier at Evan for wanting him this bad in five years than he will be now. 

“Okay,” Evan says. He doesn’t know why he says it out loud; it’s not in response to anything Jared says, or even an appropriate way to start this. If anything, he’s just psyching himself up to actually do what he’s about to do. 

Without any further preamble, Evan unlocks his phone, clicks on Melanie’s texts, and hands the phone to Jared. His hands are shaking so much he nearly drops the phone, and Jared looks worried. 

“Evan...you don’t have to...it’s really okay, you don’t have to tell me. I trust you.”

 _You shouldn’t_ Evan thinks. _Don’t._

“Just. Read them. If you uh, if you still want to talk, or be friends, or whatever, after...we can talk about it then.” Jared looks even more concerned now, but after a moment his curiosity gets the best of him. And he reads. 

Evan feels sick.

He doesn’t watch Jared read the texts, even if he wants to know, even if he wants to be able to prepare himself for how bad this is going to be. He just can’t. He can’t see whatever is going to be all over Jared’s face, the annoyance or the anger or the, oh god, pity? Which would be worst? He’s not sure. 

“Evan,” Jared says, and it startles him, sends a jolt down his spine. Jared’s voice is thick. He barely even recognizes it. “Evan you’re not...I don’t think you’re pathetic. I would never think you were pathetic, oh my god.”

Feeling very small, Evan tries to make himself speak, to reply with something, anything, but he can’t make the words come out. He looks at Jared, finally, to try and communicate with him somehow that he can’t find the words but that he’s listening, and

...and Jared looks...Evan doesn’t even know. Shocked, yes, just as Evan had expected, except it isn’t the sort of shock and horror he’d been anticipating. It’s incredulous. Disbelieving. 

“Do you actually...is this for real?” Jared asks, and Evan laughs because _how_ can Jared still not get it? Then again, it took Evan himself long enough to figure it out, so he can’t exactly blame Jared without being a hypocrite. He nods. Before, he’d been unable to look at Jared, but now he can’t break away, can’t stop looking at whatever fascinating things might be lurking in Jared’s eyes. He _wants_ to look away, really, but can’t can’t can’t. 

Evan doesn’t realize how long he’s been nodding until Jared’s voice cuts through the tense silence again to clarify, “You _like_ me?” and Evan stops moving altogether. 

It’s an out. Jared is giving him one last chance to deny it. But he knows, Jared knows and Evan knows he knows and he has to live with that for forever. He could lie. He could explain it away, somehow, in a way that isn’t _really_ plausible but that Jared will let slide, and things could go back to being almost as good and familiar as they were. There’s any number of things he could say, or do, half-truths to tell and secrets to hold on to. 

But. But Evan is _tired_ of lying. He’s had enough secrets held too close and exploding in his face for a lifetime. They’re _exhausting_. And it never works out how you hope it will, not in the end. So he does what he has to do. The only thing Evan can really do. 

“Yes,” he says finally. “Yeah. I uh. I like you.” A beat. “I’m sorry.”

“ _Please_ don’t apologize for that, holy shit,” Jared says automatically, and oh? Oh, Evan thinks Jared might be crying now? Just a little bit, it’s subtle, but it’s more than Evan’s seen from him in awhile (excluding the night last month when they watched _Up_ and had to pause the movie ten minutes in because Jared was so overwhelmed). “Evan, do you really not...I’ve liked you for so _long._ You could’ve, I don’t know, you could have asked.”

“I couldn’t have,” Evan says immediately, because that’s obvious. If he could have, he would have. It’s not like Evan _enjoyed_ feeling so helpless. “I wouldn’t have known what to say, and - wait - _wait._ You? Me?”

Jared’s response is somehow both a laugh and a sob. “Yeah. I. You. We.” He gestures between the two of them. “Fuck. We’re really stupid.”

Evan frowns. “Don’t say you’re stupid. You’re not stupid.”

“Oh my _god_ , see, stuff like that? That is why.”

“Why...?”

“Why I. You know.” Jared is sniffling now, mostly recovered, but now he looks embarrassed. “Like you. Or whatever.”

Evan’s heart swoops. “You really like me?” He’s smiling, he can’t help it, Jared _likes him_ and he can’t keep the grin off his face because Jared _likes him._

“Kind of...a lot. Yeah.”

“Can I? Can we hug?” Evan ventures. He’s afraid to push this, honestly, but he also sort of wants to make sure Jared is real. That this is real. 

This is _real._ Jared’s arms are around him, tentative but willing, and Evan is holding onto him like he might break apart if he lets go. He might. They both might. 

“I’m sorry about before,” Jared says, face buried in Evan’s shoulder. 

“Don’t worry about it. It was just,” Evan flaps his right hand vaguely, trying to somehow communicate whatever earlier was. “You’re here, now.”

“And you’re here.”

“And I’m here.”

Jared looks up at him after a moment, pulling back just a fraction. 

“I always manage to forget that you’re taller than me.”

“It’s only a few inches.” 

Jared blushes. “It’s cute.” 

Evan is _beside himself._

“You like me,” he says again, a stuck record unwilling to let this one point go. 

“I like you,” Jared agrees. A loud buzzing makes them jump apart, and Evan laughs when he realizes Jared is still holding Evan’s phone. “Here. I won’t read it this time.”

 _Too soon_ Evan thinks, but he takes the phone gratefully all the same. It’s from Melanie, hilariously 

** Is it safe 2 come out? You guys good? **

“It’s okay, Melanie!” Evan calls, and he pulls Jared close again just for good measure, just to confirm his own words. He and Jared somehow fit together perfectly, and he impulsively kisses Jared’s forehead for good measure. Jared yelps, and blushes, and overall doesn’t seem at all opposed to this, to maybe kissing again in the near future. “We’re okay.” 

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on tumblr (@dolokhovisgay) for more shenanigans, and while you're at it, follow Anna (phonecallfromgod) and Alix (euphrasiefauchelevent) too!


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